In an era defined by constant connectivity and overflowing to-do lists, a deceptively simple mantra is gaining traction as a tool for managing stress and improving mental well-being: “Let them.” This philosophy, popularized by motivational speaker Mel Robbins, encourages individuals to relinquish the need to control the actions and opinions of others, and instead focus on their own responses and choices. But can these two small words really change your life?
Decoding the “Let Them” Theory
The “Let Them” theory centers around the idea that much of our stress and anxiety stems from attempting to control things outside of our influence. Whether it’s a colleague’s work ethic, a friend’s relationship choices, or even a stranger’s behavior in traffic, fixating on what others do can lead to frustration and a sense of helplessness.
The core message of “Let Them” is to release the need to control other people’s behavior. As Epictetus, the Stoic philosopher said, “It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.” The mantra acts as a reminder that you can only control your own actions and reactions.
Mel Robbins explains the “Let Them” theory as a two-part mindset tool. The first part involves consciously telling yourself “Let them” when faced with annoyance, frustration, stress, or worry related to another person or situation. By uttering these words, you actively release the desire to control their thoughts, actions, beliefs, or feelings. The second part involves saying “Let me,” reminding yourself that you have control over your own actions and how you choose to respond.
How “Let Them” Works in Practice
So, how does “Let Them” translate into everyday life? Here are a few examples:
- Workplace scenarios: Instead of obsessing over a coworker who isn’t pulling their weight on a project, “Let them” serves as a reminder to focus on your own contributions and communicate professionally about your concerns.
- Relationship dynamics: If a friend continues to make choices you disagree with, “Let them” encourages you to accept their autonomy and avoid getting entangled in their decisions. This doesn’t mean condoning harmful behavior, but rather recognizing their right to make their own mistakes.
- Everyday annoyances: Stuck in a long line at the grocery store? Someone cuts you off in traffic? Saying “Let them” can help you avoid getting caught up in anger and frustration, allowing you to maintain a sense of calm.
Selene Burley, a licensed therapist, shares the “Let Them” theory with her clients to help them grasp more difficult concepts and to simplify the idea of healthy boundaries in a way that feels approachable and empowering. She says that it shifts the focus from controlling or fixing others to accepting what’s within your control, like your reactions, your focus, and your peace.
The Benefits of Letting Go
Adopting the “Let Them” mindset can lead to a range of positive outcomes:
- Reduced Stress and Anxiety: By relinquishing the need to control external factors, you free yourself from unnecessary worry and tension.
- Increased Self-Awareness: The practice encourages introspection and a deeper understanding of your own triggers and reactions.
- Improved Relationships: Accepting others for who they are, without attempting to change them, can lead to more authentic and fulfilling connections.
- Greater Sense of Empowerment: Focusing on your own actions and choices fosters a sense of agency and control over your own life.
- Enhanced Mental Well-being: By reducing negative emotions and promoting acceptance, “Let Them” can contribute to a more positive and balanced mental state. Mental health is integral to our wellness, and underpins our ability to shape our lives.
The “Let Me” Counterpoint
It’s important to note that “Let Them” isn’t about passivity or indifference. According to Mel Robbins, it only works if it is followed by “Let me”. It’s not an excuse for inaction. Instead, it is a reminder that we are entirely responsible for our own actions. Ginger Rothhaas also highlights that after we decide to “let them” think, do, or behave the way they choose, then we say to ourselves: now let me decide what is within my control and what I will do next.
This involves:
- Setting Boundaries: Protecting your own well-being by establishing clear limits on what behavior you will tolerate.
- Advocating for Yourself: Taking action to meet your own needs and pursue your goals.
- Choosing Your Response: Consciously deciding how you will react to external events, rather than simply reacting impulsively.
Criticisms and Caveats
While “Let Them” has resonated with many, it’s not without its critics. Some argue that it’s simply a repackaged version of stoicism, an ancient philosophy that emphasizes acceptance and focusing on what you can control. Others point out that Robbins may not have properly credited Cassie B Phillips, whose poem “Let Them” went viral in 2022.
It’s also crucial to recognize that “Let Them” isn’t a universal solution. There are situations where intervention and action are necessary, such as:
- When someone is being harmed: If you witness abuse or injustice, it’s important to speak up and take appropriate action.
- When your boundaries are being violated: You have a right to protect your own well-being and should not “let them” if someone is consistently disrespecting your limits.
- When you need to advocate for yourself: In situations like negotiating a salary or seeking medical care, it’s essential to assert your needs and not simply “let them” dictate the outcome.
Is “Let Them” Right for You?
Ultimately, whether “Let Them” can change your life depends on your individual circumstances and how you choose to apply it. It is a helpful reminder that we will find more peace when we release the need to control others while actively choosing how we want to show up in our life situations and relationships.
If you find yourself frequently stressed or frustrated by the actions of others, the “Let Them” mantra may offer a valuable tool for shifting your perspective and reclaiming your inner peace. However, it’s important to approach it with a balanced perspective, recognizing its limitations and ensuring that it doesn’t lead to passivity or avoidance of necessary action.
